Broken

This past few days have been a load of emotions.  All of the Connecticut stuff has been weighing heavily on me.  The day the news came out I cried, and I cried, and I cried.  I watched intently on the news and my heart ached.  I hurt so bad inside for those families who have lost their babies.  I imagined what the first responders may have witnessed and I just felt broken and helpless.

I have verged on anger, sorrow, and guilt.  I am angry at Adam Lanza.  I am angry at sin.  I am angry at the awful state of our human nature.  And quite honestly, I have been angry at God.  I know God has plans far greater than I can understand, but I am mad.  I am so mad for those parents who will have unopened Christmas gifts under their tree.  I imagined that if that happened to Belle I would come home to her half eaten bowl of cereal left on the counter, her pjs on the floor where she took them off, her room full of toys she hadn't put away, and multiple traces of her left for me to ache and yearn for.  I can only imagine the pain those families have and I am angry.

Obviously, the sorrow feelings are there every time I think through the events.  I put myself in the shoes of the families who have lost those babies, and I just grieve.  I hurt for them as a mother who wants to keep their children safe from all harm and to protect them.  When I put myself in their shoes I almost can't even let my mind go there because it is too horrific for me to imagine.  

And then there is the guilt.  We went to my side of the family's Christmas party yesterday, and it was amazing.   We thoroughly enjoy each other and it is one of my favorite days of the year.  We have a table full of food, a tree with presents for all, and activities throughout the entire the day.  It is truly a time where we all enjoy each other and celebrate Christ.  I loved it.  Belle and Evie loved it.  However, when we left I got into the car and just cried.  I felt so much guilt that as I smiled, laughed, and celebrated, the parents from Newtown were struggling with the worst pain a parent could imagine.  I know it is okay for me to enjoy things, but there is just that side of me that can't seem to shake despite my enjoyment the emotional struggle in Connecticut.

So, now what?  Quite honestly, I am not a fan of Obama's politics, but tonight when he spoke I felt like we "got" each other.  Parent to parent.  Human to human.  Whether or not we agree on the political front, this is something we can all relate to.  We know what it feels like to love, to hurt, and to have empathy.  We all hurt and reel for those in Newtown.  As Obama quoted Matthew 19:14 "Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these'" and read each child's name I couldn't stop the tears.  

God's plans are greater than I can understand, and I hold on to that truth.  I truly believe God can redeem this awful awful awful event.  It doesn't mean the pain will go away, but I believe God can take this and use it in some way and somehow for good.  Last week Monday I attended a women's event at our church about miracles.  Miracles don't always come in the form we expect them to, but it doesn't mean they aren't happening.  No, God will not restore the 28 lost lives in Newton, but I believe in my deepest soul that there will be miracle after miracle in response to this event. 

In the meantime, I will still probably find myself crying and hurting for the families affected in Newtown.  I will still probably have many conversations with God begging Him to help me understand.  I will still feel those emotions of anger, sorrow, and guilt, but I hold on to God and hope if nothing else I always remember to hug my family tightly...and not ONLY after a tragic event like this.  

To those in Newtown, CT I pray for for you and I grieve for you.  May God comfort you and this nation surround you.