Sunday, December 16, 2012


This past few days have been a load of emotions.  All of the Connecticut stuff has been weighing heavily on me.  The day the news came out I cried, and I cried, and I cried.  I watched intently on the news and my heart ached.  I hurt so bad inside for those families who have lost their babies.  I imagined what the first responders may have witnessed and I just felt broken and helpless.

I have verged on anger, sorrow, and guilt.  I am angry at Adam Lanza.  I am angry at sin.  I am angry at the awful state of our human nature.  And quite honestly, I have been angry at God.  I know God has plans far greater than I can understand, but I am mad.  I am so mad for those parents who will have unopened Christmas gifts under their tree.  I imagined that if that happened to Belle I would come home to her half eaten bowl of cereal left on the counter, her pjs on the floor where she took them off, her room full of toys she hadn't put away, and multiple traces of her left for me to ache and yearn for.  I can only imagine the pain those families have and I am angry.

Obviously, the sorrow feelings are there every time I think through the events.  I put myself in the shoes of the families who have lost those babies, and I just grieve.  I hurt for them as a mother who wants to keep their children safe from all harm and to protect them.  When I put myself in their shoes I almost can't even let my mind go there because it is too horrific for me to imagine.  

And then there is the guilt.  We went to my side of the family's Christmas party yesterday, and it was amazing.   We thoroughly enjoy each other and it is one of my favorite days of the year.  We have a table full of food, a tree with presents for all, and activities throughout the entire the day.  It is truly a time where we all enjoy each other and celebrate Christ.  I loved it.  Belle and Evie loved it.  However, when we left I got into the car and just cried.  I felt so much guilt that as I smiled, laughed, and celebrated, the parents from Newtown were struggling with the worst pain a parent could imagine.  I know it is okay for me to enjoy things, but there is just that side of me that can't seem to shake despite my enjoyment the emotional struggle in Connecticut.

So, now what?  Quite honestly, I am not a fan of Obama's politics, but tonight when he spoke I felt like we "got" each other.  Parent to parent.  Human to human.  Whether or not we agree on the political front, this is something we can all relate to.  We know what it feels like to love, to hurt, and to have empathy.  We all hurt and reel for those in Newtown.  As Obama quoted Matthew 19:14 "Jesus said, 'Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these'" and read each child's name I couldn't stop the tears.  

God's plans are greater than I can understand, and I hold on to that truth.  I truly believe God can redeem this awful awful awful event.  It doesn't mean the pain will go away, but I believe God can take this and use it in some way and somehow for good.  Last week Monday I attended a women's event at our church about miracles.  Miracles don't always come in the form we expect them to, but it doesn't mean they aren't happening.  No, God will not restore the 28 lost lives in Newton, but I believe in my deepest soul that there will be miracle after miracle in response to this event. 

In the meantime, I will still probably find myself crying and hurting for the families affected in Newtown.  I will still probably have many conversations with God begging Him to help me understand.  I will still feel those emotions of anger, sorrow, and guilt, but I hold on to God and hope if nothing else I always remember to hug my family tightly...and not ONLY after a tragic event like this.  

To those in Newtown, CT I pray for for you and I grieve for you.  May God comfort you and this nation surround you. 


Jennifer buck said...

Grieving with you, Bets. Lots of tears, it was good to get out of the house tonight to go caroling, but it is on the hearts of many. I could not let Ty go yesterday. ...

Lindsy said...

I couldn't have said it better.

Carol said...

I take joy in your honesty. Our God is a very BIG God and He is very familiar with His creation (us) being angry and uncertain with why He allows horrible things to happen. But God didn't create sin and evil...He doesn't remove the evil from the world (yet) because He already provided the bridge out of this world and into His. His son, Jesus. I too have had many questions and conversations with God about this event and many others. Why God isn't there the same outpouring of emotion outside each and every abortion clinic...millions of those babies have also died a horrific death but they go unnamed and forgotten. As I questioned God yesterday His response back to me was in His ususal way...simple and complete. Darkness can cover light, but only light can PIERCE the darkness. Light a candle in a blackend room and see what happens. He will bring beauty out of ashes in this event because He is the creator of all things good. I've encouraged many people to make donations to childrens hospitals or other similar charities in honor of these young lives and the adults who were lost. If we refuse to allow satan and his darkness to continue covering us by reaching out with hope and love at this time rather than anger, His work will begin the healing through us. I love your patterns, I love your blog and I love your heartfelt words, your grief and your questions. Light a candle of hope and pass it on...we can then ignite the country with love and healing as we do His work, be His hands and His feet.

Mom of the Fab 4!! said...

I feel the same Betsy! I am too grieving with them. As I looked at Mason, Zoe and Hayden today getting ready for school I silently cried! I hope they are safe and that I have loved on them enough just in case! Taking them to school today was the worst! I know that this is an rare event, thank God, but still didn't want to let them leave my car. The long kisses goodbye and the immediate sense of feeling powerless to protect them with all I have. I can not begin to imagine the all the pain and sorrow and harsh reality they feel, yet can totally put myself there too. The reminders of these children will stay with me each day I pick up my children safe and happy. As it could have been any 1st grade in America. I have a Kindergarten child,2nd grader and 5th grader and of course Quinn. It could have been me who lost such gifts and were left reeling. God Bless these families and ease their heartache.We will never forget and will hold their memories close!