Adjustments

We have been a family of four for over a week now. So far I feel like I am living in a surreal sort of life trying to figure out the new norm. I know life will resume to some sort of normalcy eventually, but I am anxious to get there.

For one, I hate this c-section recovery business. I feel so incapable of taking care of my girls well. I want to do it all, but if I do I end up not being able to do anything because I am too sore. Paul is a huge help and I am nervous when he goes back to work next week, but my mom is coming to help and at some point I do have to fly solo! I think my frustration stems from already experiencing a vaginal deliverer that was much easier. I know it will get better and I will be 100% before I know it! I have, however, been doing much more research on VBACs. I always thought a VBAC was an awful idea due to the risks and complications, but am learning that they really aren't as dangerous and scary as I had assumed. Another pregnancy is obviously not anytime soon, but just something I have been looking into :)

Belle is handling the new baby well, but I can definitely see that she is having her own adjustment. The past few nights have been really rough. Last night my hormones got the better of me and I cried and cried. Belle woke up beside herself and could not verbalize what she needed. She was so upset and beyond frustrated. I began to scratch her back and her head (her favorite thing ever) and just told her how much I loved her and it was going to be okay while I was sobbing. Darn mommy guilt. All I could think of was how her world has been turned upside down and she didn't really see it coming. I know a sibling is a great thing for her. Heck, my sisters are my best friends, but I just felt like maybe I wasn't doing all I needed to do to make this transition easier on her. I felt like I had been failing her because I couldn't give her as much of my attention now. When nursing Evie I can't do much for Belle, and right now I nurse Evie a lot. I left her room and continued sobbing and crying when I went back to bed. Paul assured me that he felt I was being a great mom and Belle was going to be fine. I know this. I know Belle will be okay. This is just an adjustment and she won't even remember it. My emotions are definitely the result of mommy guilt and post partum hormones--a lethal combo.

On a happy note, Evie has been such a joy. I love when she falls asleep on my chest. I love when she makes those crazy newborn faces. I love her awake time. I love her sweet little newborn smell. I love to watch Paul talk to her. I love that she makes any sort of c-section or awful delivery well worth every bit of pain or frustration. She is all sorts of sweetness. It is true that it is easy to love another child just as much as your first.

I am so thankful for my two girls and my supportive husband. I am truly blessed.

Evie Joy is Here!

This is Evelyn Joy. She was born on 11.11.11. She was 7lbs 10oz, and 19" long. She sure is cute. She sure is sweet. She sure is one little stinker already! :)

Let me preface this by explaining that I have had two great pregnancies, and my body handles labor and delivery like a champ. Evie's labor story threw me for a loop, but has been a great reminder that I am so not in control and can't always plan so perfectly.

On Friday morning about 1:45am Belle woke up wanting more milk. I got up, but couldn't fall back asleep because I wasn't feeling well. I had gone to the bathroom multiple times and around 3:00 I felt a "pop" that was all to familiar to when my water broke with Belle. The contractions began and Paul and I were ready to roll!

By the time we reached the hospital I was already dilated to a 6 and soon had that lovely epidural. My right side was dead weight, but my left side kept giving me trouble. The nurse said it may have been Evie's position....little did we know. By 6:30 I was fully dilated and ready to go once she dropped a bit more. Dr. Wallace arrived and decided to check me. This took him a little too long and I knew something wasn't right. I was not wanting him look at me and say "she's breech." Boo. Major disappointment. Everything had been such smooth sailing, and I was crushed. I didn't prepare myself for a c-section and it really didn't cross my mind as something that was even feasible after such an easy delivery with Belle.

The tears came, along with the anxiety of being cut open and how recovery would be (I almost passed out this week from the fear of acpuncture!) Thank goodness 3 of the 4 other women in my family have delivered via c-section. I had an army of old pros to cheer me on and reassure me it was going to be just fine. Paul was right by my side and was a huge support!

Once in surgery I heard the doctors laughing when they saw Evie. Her legs were straight up in the air like two little arrows, and then I heard that little first cry of hers and I was dying to see her! They placed her next to me on a snazzy bassinet (Paul said it was major high tech). Her legs were still straight and sticking out! Her hair was lighter than I expected and I was so surprised! For some reason I assumed she would look like Belle. Evie was her own little unique self and I already loved every bit of her :)

Since delivery she has been such a joy already. Motherhood already feels easier this second time around (despite an unplanned surgery). I am finding it comes more naturally and I have much more confidence in what I am doing. Paul said the same thing for him too.

Belle has met her and wasn't so sure of this new little creature, but I think she was also taking in seeing me in a bed with tubes and IVs. I think she will be a great big sister!

Enough chatter....more to come about our new bundle and our family if four. For now, some pictures if our blessing :)

The Waiting Game

I have never been a patient person, which is why waiting for labor to begin is mind consuming! I am not even due, yet I have been analyzing every cramp, contraction, and tinge of abdominal pain for the past 2 weeks. I think half of the problem is that it is completely out of my control. I cannot really do anything to get labor going, except to wait for the good Lord to tell my body it's time.

This being said, I know the end is in sight and I am very ready. This is more than due to the discomfort of pregnancy, but also because I cannot wait to meet this little girl. There was definitely a time I was scared and not quite there (flashbacks of sleepless nights with Belle and complete uncertainty as to what I was doing), but this time I have confidence in myself, some skill set that has come with already going down this road, and the knowledge of how amazing it feels to hold that precious new baby and see her for the first time. I cannot wait to meet this new daughter of mine, smell her little head for the "baby smell," snuggle with her when she falls asleep anywhere, and do this extremely difficult yet rewarding journey again.

I know our life will get flipped upside down again, but I also know how worth it every crazy part of bringing a new baby into a family is. I know there will be days I pull my hair out, and pray for just 5 minutes to rest my eyes, but I also know we are going to have so much fun with "our girls."

So, bring on the pain, the labor, the contractions! I am over the anticipation and ready for this reality I have been preparing for. I know the end is in sight, and this is a good lesson in patience and my lack of control on so much of my life. Hopefully the next post is introducing our new little girl, rather than me desperately seeking more labor inducing advice (which hasn't been working by the way--walking, spicy food, labor cookies, sex, acupressure, bouncing on a yoga ball, eating pineapple, and raspberry leaf tea are all just things to do to occupy your mind while you wait around. I have decided that none actually hasten labor).