Saturday, November 19, 2011


We have been a family of four for over a week now. So far I feel like I am living in a surreal sort of life trying to figure out the new norm. I know life will resume to some sort of normalcy eventually, but I am anxious to get there.

For one, I hate this c-section recovery business. I feel so incapable of taking care of my girls well. I want to do it all, but if I do I end up not being able to do anything because I am too sore. Paul is a huge help and I am nervous when he goes back to work next week, but my mom is coming to help and at some point I do have to fly solo! I think my frustration stems from already experiencing a vaginal deliverer that was much easier. I know it will get better and I will be 100% before I know it! I have, however, been doing much more research on VBACs. I always thought a VBAC was an awful idea due to the risks and complications, but am learning that they really aren't as dangerous and scary as I had assumed. Another pregnancy is obviously not anytime soon, but just something I have been looking into :)

Belle is handling the new baby well, but I can definitely see that she is having her own adjustment. The past few nights have been really rough. Last night my hormones got the better of me and I cried and cried. Belle woke up beside herself and could not verbalize what she needed. She was so upset and beyond frustrated. I began to scratch her back and her head (her favorite thing ever) and just told her how much I loved her and it was going to be okay while I was sobbing. Darn mommy guilt. All I could think of was how her world has been turned upside down and she didn't really see it coming. I know a sibling is a great thing for her. Heck, my sisters are my best friends, but I just felt like maybe I wasn't doing all I needed to do to make this transition easier on her. I felt like I had been failing her because I couldn't give her as much of my attention now. When nursing Evie I can't do much for Belle, and right now I nurse Evie a lot. I left her room and continued sobbing and crying when I went back to bed. Paul assured me that he felt I was being a great mom and Belle was going to be fine. I know this. I know Belle will be okay. This is just an adjustment and she won't even remember it. My emotions are definitely the result of mommy guilt and post partum hormones--a lethal combo.

On a happy note, Evie has been such a joy. I love when she falls asleep on my chest. I love when she makes those crazy newborn faces. I love her awake time. I love her sweet little newborn smell. I love to watch Paul talk to her. I love that she makes any sort of c-section or awful delivery well worth every bit of pain or frustration. She is all sorts of sweetness. It is true that it is easy to love another child just as much as your first.

I am so thankful for my two girls and my supportive husband. I am truly blessed.


Angie said...

Hang in there! I know first hand how hard it is to have a c-section and trying to care for your newborn, let alone an older child at home craving your attention too. I attempted a vbac with my 2nd second and unfortunetly still ended up with a c-section but I would try for a 3rd time if they'd let me. Don't let all the scary stats scare you off when that time comes around again. What a beautiful family you have, enjoy your snuggle time with your new baby!

Lindsy said...

Your post brought tears to me eyes! I can only imagine. I understand the c-section frustration 100%. I think the benefit you have is knowing that you absolutely CAN have a vaginal birth. If I were you, I'd most definitely go for a VBAC next time. I still might try even though I'm not super confident it will be successful.

I can only imagine the mommy guilt. I'm having mommy guilt before my #2 is even here, but my fear is just what you described. At least we have hope and faith that we know that this IS a blessing (siblings are wonderful!) and this difficult time is only for a season.

I'm sure I'll be asking for your advice in about 7 months as I go through the same thing.

You are an amazing mama! Evie and Belle are blessed to have you! And they are blessed to have each other too. :-) They just don't know it yet.

Rachel said...

Your girls are gorgeous and I just wanted to say I had momma guilt when I went through the emotional adjustment after I had Railyn.
You are an amazingly talented mom. :)