Samuel John -- 3 Months

Oh, Sam, how much things can change in a month!  I feel like you are FINALLY getting your nights figured out.  We have had many more nights where you nurse and go right back to sleep.  In fact, we have had many nights where you only wake up once!!! Your mother is feeling much more refreshed, and less like a zombie!

You still aren't a fan of your car seat or stroller, but you love to lay on the floor or hang out in your bouncy seat.  You also love to lay on my legs and smile at me.  

Right now you still aren't real into your pacifier.  This kind of petrifies me, but I'm hoping you find your thumb.  I have notice you sucking on your hand a lot, so maybe I'll get lucky!

We just started to sleep train you.  I was hoping to wait a bit longer to do this, but you have proven to be a kid who needs this.  You don't just fall asleep wherever anymore, and you seem to be over your swing.  The last few times I have put you in your swing you arched your back so much that you almost pushed yourself right out!  You are a kid who knows what he wants and what he doesn't want!  Thankfully, you are really into your crib.  You have transitioned into your crib easier and quicker than your sisters did. 

Your dimples and hair are still your trademark.  Your hair is thinning a bit, but I am holding on to hope that you won't lose it all like your sister, Belle, did!  

You are starting to outgrow your 3 months clothing already!  I still feel like I should be able to consider you a newborn, but you're getting too big too fast!  Slow down! My heart can't keep up, sweet boy!

Stolen Motherhood

Today I let Satan steal my motherhood.  All seemed to start out well, but by the time it hit 4:30 it was clear that I had pretty much handed it over to him.  I obviously hadn't planned on this happening, but slowly and surely my self-talk, my patience, and my entire ability to do this "mom-thing" began to quickly spiral downward.

Motherhood is such a tough gig, because within one day you can feel completely in control and minutes later things turn to complete chaos.  This was my day.  This morning was filled with the normal day-to-day.  The kids were fed, Evie and Sam had baths, we watched a movie, we colored, and we did a craft.  Sure, there was the occasional Evie tantrum or Belle meltdown, but things were under control.

I really began to question myself when Sam's napping just wouldn't happen.  I'd work so hard to finally get him to fall asleep and within 30 minutes he was awake.  I tried to keep a positive attitude telling myself that it was fine and eventually he'd take a long nap, but I was struggling.

Here's how things went for me...
"Okay, Sam needs to sleep.  The girls are watching a movie on the couch.  As long as Evie sits there she won't hurt herself.  Lord, please don't let her try to go up and down any stairs.  Come on, Sam, give in already..."

"I should check on the girls.  Ugh.  I feel so bad that I am giving so much time to Sam and they are stuck in front of the TV.  Maybe I should let him cry longer.  Although, he is only 12 weeks, and I don't want him crying TOO long.  How long is too long?  Maybe I should stop the swing and try him back in his crib.  I could nurse him, but that would take more time from the girls and he might not transfer well.  I could try a bottle, but I should really be trying to keep up my milk supply..."

"Ugh, Sam JUST fell asleep 15 minutes ago.  Why is he awake.  I'll get him up.  Why are the girls fighting AGAIN?  How many times are they going to hit each other?  I need to be more consistent with putting them in time out.  I can't focus on keeping Evie in time out while Sam is screaming.  I need to keep rocking him, but she clearly needs some attention..."

The culmination of the entire night came when I snapped at Belle when she asked for a drink before bed.  And if I am to be honest, my snapping at Belle including some cussing.  At that point I began to cry knowing I was taking my personal frustration out on Belle, and I sat down to ask my sweet girl for forgiveness.  She poured on me hugs upon hugs and kisses to make my heart melt.  She squeezed me tight and told me that tomorrow she wanted to help me even MORE.  She knew her mama was tired.

After a text to two of my closest friends about my downfalls, they reminded my that I was doing a good job because I had a kid who showed empathy to her mother.  I was allowing myself to miss the good I was doing within all the not so good.  Amidst all of my negative internal dialogue I forgot to thank the Lord for Evie who wanted to snuggle all day, for Belle who offered (all on her own) to dust my TV stand, for Sam who gave me one good stretch of happy smiles today.  I forgot to treasure my Evie who cleared her own breakfast plate without me asking.  I missed that Belle cleaned up the chalk she got out the very first time I asked.  I ignored that Sam sat for 20 minutes watching a Praise Baby today while I was able to actually get some laundry put away.  I disregarded that I made my kids whole wheat WITH flax seed pancakes and they devoured them.  I had allowed Satan to steal my motherhood.

Today, I write this as one tired and worn mother.  I write this as a mom who has spent the past 12 weeks with a sweet boy who isn't much of a sleeper and has given me little down time. I have allowed my exhaustion to make me feel bad for myself and snap at my family.  I have allowed myself to beat myself up for what I wasn't getting done, rather than proud of the things I have been accomplishing.  Satan has been real good at stealing my motherhood and making me feel inadequate.  To be honest, I have been making it easy on him.  Things in this home are good.  I am really doing a good job, but I'm not giving myself enough credit considering the stage of life I am at.

So, tonight I vow to try better at listening to the life-giver who has called me to raise the three precious lives he has blessed me with.  He knows I am adequate and he knows I am the best person to raise Belle, Evie, and Sam.  I am going to have tough days like today, but I am going to hold on tight to my motherhood so Satan cannot steal it away.  Today it was okay, and tomorrow it's going to be okay too.

Add caption

Samuel John - 2 Months

Our sweet Sam, you are 2 months old already!  It's crazy that I can no longer consider you a newborn--that stage went by so fast!

This past month you have put us on a roller coaster ride!  There are days you have given us loads of smiles and seemed content, and then other days where you needed a lot of snuggles and struggled to take a single nap.  Our nights were no different, but I believe we are on the up and up!  At one point you and I were hanging out every 1.5-2 hours, and you didn't seem to want to go back to bed after eating.  Lately, you have been given me longer stretches (3-4 hours) and you have been going right back to sleep more often.

You sisters love you to pieces.  Belle LOVES to feed you a bottle, and is more than willing to be my big helper to rock you in the bouncy.  Her favorite thing is to make up songs and sing them to you to help calm you down if you're crying.  Evie is back and forth.  There are days she wants to push you off my lap so she can snuggle in, and then others where she hears you cry and so sweetly says, "awww, Buddy!" with a kiss on your forehead.

You still hate your car seat.  You can be as calm as can be, but when we put you in your car seat you are one angry kid.  Thankfully, after 5 minutes of screaming and crying you tire yourself out and fall asleep.

You are enjoying your play mat more, and I can tell you are getting more used to the craziness of two sisters running around incessantly singing "Frozen" songs.  You are smiling more, and I cannot get enough of those dimples!

I am learning a groove with three kids around, and it is becoming easier.  Life is still chaotic, but it doesn't feel as overwhelming.  My biggest obstacle this past month has been trying to figure out how to manage three kids out in public.  I still have not braved the grocery store, but so far the mall and Catch Air have been major successes.  My confidence is building!

Happy 2 Months, Little Buddy!

Samuel John: One Month

How in the world has it already been a month!?!  Time flies when your having fun, right?...or in a dazed, sleep deprived stupor.

This month has been full of ups and downs.  Sam is what I would call your typical newborn.  He has had some great nights, and he has had some awful nights.  There at times where he sleeps for four hours straight, and other times when I can't get him to fall asleep to save my life.  The one thing that is certain is that this boy is cute :-)

Life with three kids has been a bit crazy and chaotic, but we are adjusting.  I think that the 3rd time around has proven to make life insane, but there is a sense of confidence and acceptance I didn't have with the first two.  I realize that I am outnumbered, but I am fully aware that this crazy newborn stage is short lived and that life does find some normalcy at some point.

Sweet and simple--Sam is awesome.  I already love snuggling him, smelling him, and adoring his dimples.  I can't get enough of watching Belle sing Frozen songs to him, and I am always surprised at the moments I see Evie kissing him.  He seems to handle his crazy sisters fairly well, and has adjusted to the loud volume of Evie screaming and Belle crying.

So far, breastfeeding is going well, and Sam has taken a bottle without skipping a beat.  This is always exciting for me, because it means I get a bit more freedom.  Paul loves giving the little guy a bottle every night and I enjoy a small break.  There is something amazing about being able to head to Meijer without feeling like I am on a timeline until Sam's next feeding.

I have had a few freak out moments when I realize I am in charge of 3 little lives, but my mantra lately has been "Today is going to be okay."  I have to repeat it to myself often when I feel the anxiety creep up of keeping this house together.  I recently read this blog post, and I am certain God put it in my FB newsfeed for a reason.  It's amazing how just telling myself things will be okay has helped me calm down and feel like I have it together!

All in all, we are adjusting to being a family of five.  It feels like Sam has always been a part of our family.  He fits in perfectly to our beautiful mess :-)

Dear First Time Mom...

I was you a little over 4 years ago.  It seems like such a short time ago that I became a mom, yet at the same time I feel like I can hardly remember what life was like before I had children.  I wish I knew then what I know now...three kids later.  I know that this motherhood thing is all about learning through experience, but I want to offer you wisdom from someone who has been there.

1. It's okay to cry for no good reason.  I distinctly remember sitting in my shower sobbing.  I was so thrilled to have just given birth to my daughter, yet another part of me just wanted to cry and cry and cry.  It wasn't tears of joy, yet not really sadness either.  Just tears of hormones.  It's okay.  Let it out.  Embrace it.
2. If you have a significant other, you will resent them terribly at times.  They may be breaking their back to do all they can to help, but there will come a time you are nursing next to them in bed, your nipples are killing, you are beyond exhausted, and they are snoring next to you and you will hate them for a split second.  Even though you know you couldn't have made it this far without them you will have some resentment against them for being able to enter parenthood without the pain of childbirth and the never ending task of nursing.
3. Speaking of nursing, it is hard.  It is exhausting.  It is intense.  If things aren't working out don't guilt yourself into depression if you quit.  I will never forget my sister finally telling me, "Give yourself a date.  Give nursing all you've got until that date, and if it is still not working then give yourself permission to walk away from it without feeling bad."
4. Speaking of stopping nursing...formula isn't BAD for your child.  Formula is still good for your baby.  Yes, we all know that "breast is best," but it isn't like giving your baby formula is poisoning them.  It is still good for your baby.  I promise your child isn't 100% bound to be overweight, unintelligent, and a drag on society.  I was formula fed and I'm not overweight, I have 2 degrees, and I'm fairly certain I am contributing positively to society.  
5. It's okay if it takes a bit to embrace your new identity of "mother."  I chose to quit my job and stay home full time.  Before I had my daughter I imagined that staying home would be spent snuggling my baby, enjoying those moments of nursing, and soaking up precious memories of watching her grow.  While some of this happened, I also found myself feeling like a milk factory, constantly trying to console a child who cried far more than I imagined, and struggling to keep my eyes open long enough to finish some laundry.  I couldn't leave the house on a whim without packing a diaper bag and making sure the baby was well fed to avoid a screaming child in public.  This was a hard adjustment.
6. Whether you had the birth story you imagined, or it was completely different than you wanted it was the perfect means to bring your baby safely into this world.  A c-section does not mean your body failed you.  Whatever your story is find a way to accept it and find peace.  My second was a surprise breech.  I was ready to push and at the last minute they realized she was breech and I was being wheeled in for a c-section.  I was angry, I cried, and I felt like I did something wrong.  Looking back I can laugh about her birth story because she has always been my little stinker and it started as early as her birth!
7. You will find a groove and life will find a new normal.  The baby will get easier and less needy. You will figure out the best time to shower, make dinner, and eventually the baby will go to bed before you giving you that much needed "me time."
8. Going out with a new baby is scary.  I used to have so much anxiety heading out of the house with my daughter when she was first born.  I had this fear that if she screamed and cried somewhere I couldn't nurse I wouldn't know what to do.  I feared nursing in public (even if I covered myself), because I was worried about offending people.  Feel confident in taking care of your baby's needs without caring what those around you think.  If the baby is screaming don't worry if it bothers the people in the grocery line.  If you have to sit on a bench in the mall and nurse your baby, ignore the uncomfortable stares some might give you.  
9. Whatever you do out of survival is not wrong and is okay.  If giving your baby a pacifier before they are a month old helps you get dressed or shower without hearing the baby scream--do it.  If your baby sleeps best in the swing and gives you much needed long stretches of sleep--do it.  If having your husband feed the baby a bottle of formula every night to give you a break--do it.  Sometimes you need to throw out what all "the books" say and do what works for you.  Your child will not be ruined.
10. Embrace your postpartum body.  More than likely it will never completely go back to what it once was.   It took you 9 months for your belly to grow, so give yourself some grace and time to let it shrink back down.  You housed and grew a life, another soul, an entire human being.  Be proud of it. 
11. I never understood how anyone could shake a baby until I had one.  My first baby cried a ton and was very hard to console.  I had moments where I was tired and frustrated and at the end of my rope.  Thankfully, I had a husband who knew when to step in to help.  There were many moments I had to put her down to cry in her room for 10 minutes so I could walk outside and just calm myself down without hearing the screaming.  Remember that your mental health needs to come first and foremost for you to be able to give your baby the care he or she needs.  Seek out a support system, counseling, and/or find some good meds!
12. People will tell you that this stage is so short and "this too shall pass."  I know how hard that is to hear when you are in the midst of thew newborn stage.  It feels long, because you need to be "on" almost 24/7.  There are few breaks and it's exhausting.  Just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and things will get better.  It's okay not to enjoy this short stage and to look forward to the next.
13. Motherhood is truly as amazing and difficult as people say it is.  It is a really hard job, but it is the best job.  Don't forget to give yourself grace when you screw up, and to always pat yourself on the back when you really get it right.  Each stage has it's own set of challenges and joys, but you will find that you get through each one with a new set of knowledge.  
14. Oh, and prayer.  Don't forget lots of prayer!  If you forget everything else, just remember to pray.