Today

This post is all about honesty.  I have a lot floating through my head, and if nothing else,  I just need to write about it for therapeutic reasons.  I have always prided myself on "saying it like it is" and just being honest.

Today has been really rough.  I have been on the verge of tears all day and have been a bit out of sorts. I think everything from this week has all started to hit me, and I haven't been handling it very well.  Between the bombing in Boston and (even though I know it is SO minuscule in comparison) the entire ordeal with Evie and her stitches has all been weighing on me.  

In general, I am not a helicopter parent.  I really allow my kids to explore and I don't hover over them.  I don't tend to get overly worked up over minor injuries, and I try to not baby my kids when they hurt themselves.  Since Thursday, when Evie fell down the stairs, I have been on edge.  I have been hovering over her like crazy to the point where I bring her into the bathroom with me.  I constantly picture her falling headfirst into the corner of the coffee table or smashing her head into our play stage from a simple misstep.

Today, I knew I was on the verge of losing it.  Yes, I have a prescription for Xanax as a PRN.  I have had it for over two years and haven't refilled my script yet, but I sure use it when I feel like my nerves are getting the best of me.  Today was one of those days.  Thankfully, my mom and dad took Belle overnight, but for some reason I was overwhelmed with how to manage Evie.

Let me first explain a bit about Evie.  She is a girl with a VERY high pain tolerance, a knack for climbing everything, and a love for being kind of naughty.  She will literally shake her finger and say "no-no" as she is doing something she knows she is not supposed to be doing.  All of this is a recipe for disaster.  I had felt like I was JUST starting to trust her on stairs when Thursday happened.

I know some may think I am being crazy, but again, I am just being honest.  I have kept myself up at night trying to shake the image of picking my 17 month old up off the floor while blood is literally pouring down her face.  I have been trying to think of other things when I remember the noise of her falling down the stairs.  I hate it, and it all gives me an awful sick stomach, but for some reason my thoughts have tended to come back to Evie falling.  

The biggest battle of mine has just been the utter guilt I have been experiencing.  I know I really could not have prevented her fall (overall, at least).  I know she is going to be just fine.  I know that this is life, but I seem to be really struggling to just "let go."  There is a part of me that DOES feel guilty that I couldn't prevent her fall.  I feel guilt that she will have a scar on her head forever.  I feel angry that when it did happen, I handled it so terribly and completely panicked and lost my cool.  I feel scared that when my daughter physically needed me I couldn't get it together. 

Today I was emotionally not okay.  I cried a lot.  I felt down.  I felt depressed and I couldn't put my finger on what my deal was, but in thinking back, I truly feel that I have just been feeling helpless.  I have been feeling so powerless in being able to keep my children safe, and it has been hard for me to swallow.  Evie and I were in the car today and the Jeremy Needham song "If I Ever Needed Grace" came on.  I sat and listened...and cried.  The third verse and chorus read like this:

Nine short months 'til she arrived Little hands and lion's eyes 

And I'm so scared I don't have what it takes 

But I hear Your voice Sunday morning 

Father give me eyes to see 

All I need's the power of Your name 

If I ever needed grace, it's now  

You are strong when I am weak, somehow  

I am weak enough to see I need You to cover me  

If I ever needed grace If I ever needed grace  

If I ever needed grace, it's now

If I ever needed grace in this parenting journey, it was now.   Parenting is hard.  It is scary.  It is unknown.  Lord help me, but I sure need your grace...and I need to give myself grace as I go through this.  Today I feel weak.  Today, I feel as though I have failed and that I let my kids down.  Thank goodness there is someone far greater and far stronger than I, so that on my weak days He is strong.

I know that I cannot protect my kids from everything.  I know that my kids will get hurt.  However, SEEING Evie SO hurt hit a part of me so deep that I have not been able to imagine how parents do it with kids chronically and terminally ill.  I know that it is then that the lyrics "You are strong when I am weak, somehow" really take flight.  

My scariest parenting moment has been hard to swallow, but I know that it is going to be okay. I know that Evie will be all good and I will eventually be able to watch her crawl down the steps without hovering over her, but until then I hold onto the grace that God grants me that I won't be perfect at this parenting gig.  That my kids will get hurt and there will be nothing I can do to protect them, but that it will be okay.

It. Will. Be. Okay.