Monday, August 19, 2013

Are You Finding Out? You Want A Boy, Right?

It is a very common question asked when a woman is pregnant.  People want to know if you plan on finding out the gender or not.  The problem with this question is that you never quite know what sort of reaction your answer is going to get.  My answer is,"Yes, I am finding out."  Then for some reason I feel I need to justify it.  How many times have I heard:

"There are so few surprises in life anymore."
"Oh, why would you want to find out?"
"That makes things so less exciting."

The problem with these responses is that they are how someone else feels-not me.  I feel that finding out at 20 weeks is just as much of a surprise as the day I deliver.  Why would I want to find out?  Welp, I like to plan.  It makes me feel prepared.  It makes me feel ready.  Honestly, welcoming a baby in the world is scary enough, so please let me just reduce my anxiety a bit by knowing the gender.  Lastly, finding out at 20 weeks is not less exciting for me.  In some ways, it's like giving myself a high five for making it half way through the pregnancy.  It's a little reward.  I love being able to refer to the baby as "he" or "she."  It helps ME feel more connected.

I understand that for some people not finding out IS more exciting.  Great for you!  Exciting for you!  I just get frustrated that people are judging other people's choices on what is best for them.  Those of us who find out should be happy for those who have the patience to wait, and those who wait should be thrilled that halfway through the pregnancy people like me get to find out what we are having.  

So, PLEASE, next time you ask someone if they are finding out what they are having and you wouldn't necessarily choose the same route don't give a judgy opinion on someone else's choices.  

Okay, now onto the next question that drives me nuts.  "You want a boy, right?  I find this question really awkward.  Would I love a boy?  For sure!  I would love to have a son someday.  Would I love to watch Paul run around with a son?  Certainly.  However, I feel really awkward and uncomfortable wishing and hoping for a boy when I know how phenomenal girls can be.  I LOVE my girls, and I know that regardless if this child is a boy or girl it will be just THE right addition for our family.  I actually worry more about the reactions of other people if we have a girl than I do my own reaction.  In some ways, I feel like we are going to be letting people down if this baby is a girl, and I HATE that feeling.

I know that if this baby is a boy we will be excited for the new adventure of parenting a son.  We will be thrilled to add a boy to this brood, but the thought of praying specifically for a boy or hoping this kid isn't a girl just doesn't sit well with me.  If this baby is a girl, we are going to rejoice and thank God for his MANY blessings he has given to us, and know that he knew that another daughter was what he meant for our growing family.  Besides, raising girls seems to be what we are good at! :-)    I was worried how Paul would react with another girl, and he said that he would be more than thrilled with a third daughter because he knows how amazing his other girls are.

Don't get me wrong--I have laughed with others and made jokes about this baby being a boy or girl.  I am light hearted about it.  I actually love hearing people's guesses, and making jokes that we have enough girly drama that a boy might balance things :-)  I just struggle when people tell me they are PRAYING and HOPING it is a boy.  I just find it interesting how people tell us this when they might not know our hearts.  We are praying for a healthy baby, and boy or girl, we are going to be thrilled.  I don't want the outcome of our ultrasound next week to be something I know will either excite or disappoint people.  I have this feeling inside me that wants to try to protect and defend this baby if it is a girl, because it seems from the reactions I get that female should not be the preferred gender of this baby for our family.

So, the next time you are talking to someone about whether they are finding out the gender and if they wish it was one or the other, just PLEASE try to think about your reaction to their response.  It can really affect a hormonal pregnant woman who is already feeling a bit crazy :-)


Emily said...

I hope it's a puppy.

Jackie Koll said...

Great post :-) I agree with your insight 100%. I wanted boys beyond a shadow of a doubt and therefore wanted to find out so that I could prepare myself it was a girl . . plus I need to plan and it would have driven me insane to now know!!!

Linda said...

Way back in the olden days (when I had my first two) the only way to know for sure if it was a boy or girl was to have amnioscentisis.(Not sure how to spell that one!) So, it wasn't a real choice for me. With the twins later, it was an option, and I chose to wait to know, since that was what I had done before. Adrien and Joe wanted to know, and within a few days of finding out, we not only knew they would be having a son, we knew his name, and nickname. We started calling him by his nickname immediately. I think that has been a blessing to all of us! I also remember after I had the first two boys, wishing I could have a daughter, and realizing I would not want to get pregnant feeling that way, as the child would be what it would be. I wasn't going shopping to make a choice, I was going to house within me that child God had for me. It was so freeing one Sunday, sitting behind a couple at church with a cute little baby boy to realize that IF God allowed me to have another child, he would give me what was best. He did, twin boys! I had to wait over 26 years to get a daughter. But now I have two great daughter in laws. I love your wisdom in knowing that either way, this child will be your child that God is blessing you with, again! (boy or girl.)