Today

This post is all about honesty.  I have a lot floating through my head, and if nothing else,  I just need to write about it for therapeutic reasons.  I have always prided myself on "saying it like it is" and just being honest.

Today has been really rough.  I have been on the verge of tears all day and have been a bit out of sorts. I think everything from this week has all started to hit me, and I haven't been handling it very well.  Between the bombing in Boston and (even though I know it is SO minuscule in comparison) the entire ordeal with Evie and her stitches has all been weighing on me.  

In general, I am not a helicopter parent.  I really allow my kids to explore and I don't hover over them.  I don't tend to get overly worked up over minor injuries, and I try to not baby my kids when they hurt themselves.  Since Thursday, when Evie fell down the stairs, I have been on edge.  I have been hovering over her like crazy to the point where I bring her into the bathroom with me.  I constantly picture her falling headfirst into the corner of the coffee table or smashing her head into our play stage from a simple misstep.

Today, I knew I was on the verge of losing it.  Yes, I have a prescription for Xanax as a PRN.  I have had it for over two years and haven't refilled my script yet, but I sure use it when I feel like my nerves are getting the best of me.  Today was one of those days.  Thankfully, my mom and dad took Belle overnight, but for some reason I was overwhelmed with how to manage Evie.

Let me first explain a bit about Evie.  She is a girl with a VERY high pain tolerance, a knack for climbing everything, and a love for being kind of naughty.  She will literally shake her finger and say "no-no" as she is doing something she knows she is not supposed to be doing.  All of this is a recipe for disaster.  I had felt like I was JUST starting to trust her on stairs when Thursday happened.

I know some may think I am being crazy, but again, I am just being honest.  I have kept myself up at night trying to shake the image of picking my 17 month old up off the floor while blood is literally pouring down her face.  I have been trying to think of other things when I remember the noise of her falling down the stairs.  I hate it, and it all gives me an awful sick stomach, but for some reason my thoughts have tended to come back to Evie falling.  

The biggest battle of mine has just been the utter guilt I have been experiencing.  I know I really could not have prevented her fall (overall, at least).  I know she is going to be just fine.  I know that this is life, but I seem to be really struggling to just "let go."  There is a part of me that DOES feel guilty that I couldn't prevent her fall.  I feel guilt that she will have a scar on her head forever.  I feel angry that when it did happen, I handled it so terribly and completely panicked and lost my cool.  I feel scared that when my daughter physically needed me I couldn't get it together. 

Today I was emotionally not okay.  I cried a lot.  I felt down.  I felt depressed and I couldn't put my finger on what my deal was, but in thinking back, I truly feel that I have just been feeling helpless.  I have been feeling so powerless in being able to keep my children safe, and it has been hard for me to swallow.  Evie and I were in the car today and the Jeremy Needham song "If I Ever Needed Grace" came on.  I sat and listened...and cried.  The third verse and chorus read like this:

Nine short months 'til she arrived Little hands and lion's eyes 

And I'm so scared I don't have what it takes 

But I hear Your voice Sunday morning 

Father give me eyes to see 

All I need's the power of Your name 

If I ever needed grace, it's now  

You are strong when I am weak, somehow  

I am weak enough to see I need You to cover me  

If I ever needed grace If I ever needed grace  

If I ever needed grace, it's now

If I ever needed grace in this parenting journey, it was now.   Parenting is hard.  It is scary.  It is unknown.  Lord help me, but I sure need your grace...and I need to give myself grace as I go through this.  Today I feel weak.  Today, I feel as though I have failed and that I let my kids down.  Thank goodness there is someone far greater and far stronger than I, so that on my weak days He is strong.

I know that I cannot protect my kids from everything.  I know that my kids will get hurt.  However, SEEING Evie SO hurt hit a part of me so deep that I have not been able to imagine how parents do it with kids chronically and terminally ill.  I know that it is then that the lyrics "You are strong when I am weak, somehow" really take flight.  

My scariest parenting moment has been hard to swallow, but I know that it is going to be okay. I know that Evie will be all good and I will eventually be able to watch her crawl down the steps without hovering over her, but until then I hold onto the grace that God grants me that I won't be perfect at this parenting gig.  That my kids will get hurt and there will be nothing I can do to protect them, but that it will be okay.

It. Will. Be. Okay.  

  

Stitches

I think I always knew this was bound to happen, but I never really prepared myself for what I would do IF it happened.  Today Evie fell down the stairs, which resulted in 3 stitches in her forehead.  She handled it like a champ, but unfortunately her mama was a disaster.

This morning I had my niece, Maia, here and I was getting ready to head out to bring her and Belle to school.  I ran upstairs thinking that Belle, Maia, and Evie were on their way down to the basement.  Once I was up there I heard the loudest bump-bump-bump ever.  It is one of those moments as a parent where you wait to hear the scream afterwards.  At first I heard nothing, and then Belle was screaming, "EVIE!  EVIE!"  I knew it was bad.

I ran downstairs as fast as I could and as I approached the top of the basement stairs I had that sick feeling in my stomach of what I was actually going to see.  At first, it was just Evie laying on the floor. It didn't look like any limbs were out of place, and she was moving.  Once I picked her up I realized we were headed to the doctor for some stitches.  The blood.  Holy moly-the blood.  I am not a blood person.  I am not a gash in the head person.  I picked her up and saw so much blood dripping all over her face, but couldn't quite figure out where it was coming from.  Her lip was fine.  Her nose looked fine.  I dreaded to move her hair to look at her head because I knew any cut creating that much blood was going to be big.

I ran upstairs with her while Belle and Maia followed.  I was scared.  I laid Evie down and the only thing I could think of was "what the heck am I supposed to do?!?!?!"  I grabbed my phone, but for some reason it was SO slow it took me at least a minute or two before anything would come up on the scream.  During this time I was shaking it, banging it on the floor, and cussing at it.  Evie is bleeding from the head and my phone decides to take its sweet time to pull up a phone number.  It probably didn't help that my hand was shaking so bad that I could barely see the screen.

Once I made a couple of phone calls, the kids were thrown in the car.  At one point Maia said, "Aunt Betsy, what is that big black thing on Evie's head?" "Um....that would be a big owie (or awful bleeding gash), Maia."  Ha!  I forgot to mention that while the kids were getting in the car Belle felt it was a great time to come to me screaming that she hurt her finger.  Didn't go over so well for her.

Cricket took the kids and I headed to the doctor.  I walked in knowing Evie and I looked like we had just endured a battle.  Her face still had blood all over it because I didn't take time to wipe it off, and I had blood all over my shirt and chest.  Rosie and Cheryl at the front desk of my doctor office know my kids and I well and they just looked at me and asked how we were.  I started to cry, which made Rosie cry.  Evie's doc came out to us and I felt so much more calm.  Finally, someone who knew how to handle this situation.

Evie laid on me as they cleaned her up, and they mentioned that it was pretty deep.  Evie was a champ during all this and literally didn't make a move.  Once they needed to give her the shot of anesthetic, Paul walked in.  I was instantly relieved, because I was really debating if I was going to be able to handle holding her during the shot and stitches.  Paul grabbed her and I walked out for a bit to get her pacifier, and returned to her screaming and bleeding all over again.  Once they started the stitches she didn't make a move and sat perfectly (this is when I took the time to take some pics to document).

As I mentioned, I am not a blood person, let alone seeing it all over my 17 month old daughter.  I had a major panic moment today and I had a hard time keeping it together.  I realize that Evie was going to be just fine, but in the moment I felt at a loss for how to help her.  I couldn't gather my thoughts enough to think forward to the next step.  I wish I could say I was totally cool, calm, and collected, but I wasn't.

Now, I know no one would expect me to have it all together, but I wish I could say that in an emergency I would.  If any of my kids needs stitches again, I will be all set :-)  However, it has gotten me thinking about hypothetical emergency situations that could come up and if I would be ready for them.  Thank the Lord my Evie was okay and is clearly much more resilient than her mother (she takes after Paul for sure).

Overall, if it wasn't for my family, EVERYONE in my doctor's office, and my amazing husband, I may not have held it together at all!

I am thankful Ev is okay, but I am even MORE thrilled that she decided to do this AFTER she had health insurance :-)  

JUST got her stitches.  Not so thrilled.

Totally didn't act like anything happened to her today.  If it wasn't for the band-aid you would never know.

My Girls

Lately, I have been going back to look at pictures of Belle when she was the same age as Evie.  It's crazy to me how alike, yet different, they are.

By this point I think Belle had many more words in her vocabulary.  She was saying loads of animal noises, and repeating a lot of what we were saying.  Evie, not so much.  She has a few words in her vocabulary, but I notice that she doesn't soak words up and repeat them like Belle did.  She is just not interested.  Evie has the basics down, and I think Belle was actually advanced in her verbal skills, so I'm not worried.

Looking back at old pictures I also found this of Belle.

She is the same age as Evie is currently.  The thought of Evie sitting down and even KIND OF painting is hilarious to me.  I can't even give her a crayon or marker without her biting the end off.  Belle did, and still does, well at focused activities.  She likes to sit and do a craft or paint a picture.  Evie---not so much.  I have found that Evie is a wanderer.  She is much more of an explorer than Belle was.  Don't get me wrong, Belle used to get into things (we all remember the vaseline and permanent markers, right?), but she didn't constantly go from room to room looking for what she could climb, throw, or fling herself off.  

Belle's Vaseline Victim

Another difference I have is that Evie has a MUCH stronger personality than Belle.  Belle has always been pretty stubborn and head strong, but Evie is in a different realm!  This girls knows what she wants, and very rarely am I able to distract her with something else.  This often leads to many temper tantrums, but thank goodness they are short lived :-)

I know it is so cliche, but I really am amazed at how quickly things go.  I cannot wait to see what crazy things Evie has to say once she starts really talking....we all know Belle has quite the one-liners!  I also can't wait to see watch as Belle continues to become more independent and capable of doing things on her own.

As it currently stands, I foresee Belle being my actress on Broadway and Evie will be my Olympic athlete.  Here's hoping they both get college scholarships!

<3 td="">

Diva Zone

**Warning: I do not edit my photos because I am lazy and really have no clue how.  I apologize in advance for amateur "photography," but clearly I have been too busy building a stage ;-) **

What do you do when your daughter is a diva, your husband can build most anything, and you have an ugly fireplace you want to hide?  Build a stage for your kids!

I have to admit that this stage began as an idea and become something WAY cooler than I thought it would be.  When I first pitched the idea to my husband he wasn't sure if he was too keen on it, but thankfully his love to create and build got the better of him and he was on the Internet searching some HGTV stage ideas.

Not only can Paul build, but he is very logical and resourceful.  He wanted to make sure the space the stage took up was not going to be completely wasted, so he actually made 6 cubby holes for me to slide baskets in.  I figured this would be an ideal place to store instruments, costumes, and other such diva necessities.

See that little basket under there??  

Now, no stage is complete without a solid set of curtains.  I bought a double curtain rod over at Home Depot, and then headed on over to Hobby Lobby to pick out my fabrics.  I knew I wanted the curtains to be fun and playful.  I love how the blue back curtain fabric is light and whimsical, and how the chevron yellow adds a playful design.

I have to be honest here-I do not sew.  I didn't sew ANY of the curtains, but instead I used Stitch Witchery, which is my new best friend.  Once the curtains were up I felt like they were missing something, but I couldn't put my finger on it.  I knew I wanted them longer, but wasn't quite sure how to do this.  A second trip back to Hobby Lobby and Belle was begging me to buy the sparkly pink tassel edging you see.  I was hesitant, and worried it would look like way too much color.

I need to give my kid more credit for her creative eye.  In my opinion, this pink edging was THE key component in pulling this entire thing off.  I added some to the bottom of my chevron curtains and then had enough left to wrap it around the bottom of the stage--which ended up being WAY more amazing than I expected.

The last component was the paint.  I knew I had to go more neutral since I had the bright blue, yellow, and pink.  I settled on gray, but knew I wanted to add something to keep it playful.   I was thrilled to find Valspar Paint Crystals.  What a phenomenal product!  You add these crystals to your can of paint and they add an amazing and subtle hint of glitter, without looking like it was dumped on top.  The sparkle is enough to make the stage fun without making it cheap.  The funny thing is that I used an entire bag in one quart of paint, when they suggest one bag per gallon.  My philosophy is "Go big, or go home!"

Mixing in the glittery goodness

Do you see just the subtle hint of sparkle??

So, there it is!  A little fabric, paint, and wood and we have a stage I am insanely proud of!  Belle and Evie already love it, and I know it will continue to be a hit.  Now we need to stock up on some instruments!

Please admire the completed project while ignoring the vacuum in the corner!

Oh, and I almost forgot!  The sign on top of the mantle was an old framed poster Paul had and didn't like.  I covered it up with some chalkboard paint and quickly scribbled "Thompson Theater" on it.  Small little touch, but I think it's kinda cute!  Now I am on the look-out for some of those theater drama masks to put on either side!

I also anticipate some stage lighting soon from Paul.  There is no possible way he is going to be able to leave this stage alone without adding his own creative flare....although I might need to say something if he tries to bring in a hazer!

Already working on her microphone dips

Ta-da!  Time to take a bow!

Why My Kids and I Need TV

Before I get going on this post, let me preface first by saying that I have no judgment on those of you who don't allow your kids to watch TV, play video games, or use an iPad.  I applaud you and truly think we all need to do what works for us.

I know what the professionals say....keep children "screen-free" until the age of two, but I couldn't disagree more.  In my home screen-free would be be scary.  It would be weird, and my child would not know what a pyramid was or the Spanish word for "jump" without a little Dora in her life.

I am not a lazy parent.  I think there is a misconception that parents who let their kids watch TV are lazy.  Don't get me wrong, obviously making your kid sit for 8 hours in front of the tube while you drink coffee and eat bon-bons is probably a little too hands off (in my opinion).  However, I work hard in my home playing chef, nurse, house cleaner, dishwasher, referee, play mate. and safety patrol.

There are just times that mentally and physically I have nothing left, so I set the kids in their chairs with a string cheese and turn on Mickey Mouse.  And, no, during this time I don't always do housework.  I often take a moment to check my Facebook, my email, or even lay on the couch and rest my eyes a second.

You see, sometimes my patience needs to hit the reset button, my energy needs a refuel, and often my parenting skills need a moment to remind my brain what good ones look like.  Could I set the kids up playing or crafting?  Sure, but that usually means break time is spent thinking about the mess they are making and whether or not I have enough  energy to get up and stop Belle from painting on her sister's face (nah, it's washable, right?)

Some still might be saying that I am kind of lazy, and honestly, I am just someone who knows my limits.  I am not nice when I am exhausted and have a toddler throwing tantrum after tantrum because I won't let her stand on the table and try to hang from the light (yes, this happens).  I am also not very cheery when I have just spent time cleaning floors and macaroni and cheese is thrown all over the kitchen.  I don't get too thrilled when I'm running late and my three year old decides the only pair of shoes she will wear are the only ones we cannot find at that particular moment.  When I allow myself mental breaks I tend to be much more gracious in these areas.

All of us can relate to the moments we bust out "scary mommy."  Man, how I hate those moments.  I am disgusted with myself and am sad for my kids whenever she rears her ugly head....and it is ugly!  When I know those moments are coming I know I need a moment to check out, and my kids need to just sit still for 30 minutes (or more...oops!), not make a mess, not ask for anything, and give me a moment to put myself in check.

Now, this may be a stretch, but sometimes I REALLY think my kids NEED the TV too!  Sometimes I think playing all day nonstop is exhausting!  I mean, come on, building forts, coming up with Barbie scenarios, and trying to find new places to hide in hide and seek takes loads of energy!  Sometimes I really think Belle just needs a moment to sit and do some mindless activity.  If I need a moment to refuel my energy, why wouldn't my kids??

As far as the toddler goes, I basically just need her to sit still for more than two seconds so that she isn't trying to hurl herself off the couch or throw her hands in the toilet after her sister forgot to flush.  When Evie is awake I have to be mentally aware of where she is and what she is doing 150% of the time.  Sometimes just sitting her in front of the screen (which will keep her attention for more than all of 37.5 seconds) allows me the time to give my brain a mental break or the ability to actually blow dry my hair or empty the dishwasher.

Also, I have to say that there is just something truly amazing about watching my daughter perform and sing her heart out to all of the songs she has learned by watching Barbie Princess and the Popstar.  Without some good ol' screen time, I may have never known that my 3 year old really has an inner diva dying to release and get out!  Seriously, if this doesn't convince you that TV isn't all THAT bad, nothing will!